On a good day
I smell like Newport smoke under Giorgio Armani: Code
I am a soaring, screaming eagle
That's pigeon toed
Poetry
Ten toes down
The sole of my feet got glued to the sticky street
But my soul is on the road
The word "complete" has a meaning few of us know
So I enrolled in real life as my college
Major-undecided
I graduated from hard knocks high
But I
Didn't get a diploma
Just this big stick diplomacy, oversized cohonas, a taste for Coronas and twisted aroma therapy
The struggle inspired me to be a higher me
Hopefully before I die I'll put out more than I receive
Tell me who I gotta be
To get some reciprocity
All I know how to be is be whats inside of me
Brought up to be, taught to be, thought to be a prodigy
But raised to be, led to be, trained to be a rider
And all I know how to do
Is do what I gotta do
Cant Take My Eyes Off success
But its seems just...
Too good to be true
and That Thing in my chest
bleeds for the Lost Ones in Every Ghetto, Every City
I wanna talk to him
Tell Him he's a Superstar
That we, as a people, got that Ex-Factor
Tell him Everything Is Everything
But he feels like Nothing Even Matters
And that's me too, in a nutshell
Get your nutcracker, see whats inside
Rather than breaking my balls about past actions
I wonder if Footaction will let me trade in these kicks for kisses
I wanna feel the soft caress of happiness
This endless summer got me losing my mind
Signed up for band when I was 9
School boy, at the parade I smiled at my mom
I've cried so many tears since that time
But I find
I'm
too blessed
To be stressed
So I just
Let the saxophone wine
The other kids at school had minds that wasn't in tune with mine
I couldn't see that
I decided I rather be measured on a G scale than b flat
I dropped the notes, moved on to halfs, quarters, and eighths
I was taught it was wrong
I was taught to have faith
I just have to learn how to walk in it
Walk by it
Because at times I just walk by it
I'm just a young boy
Strumming her pain with my finger, singing her life with my words
We're on the same search
She tienes hombre for my truth
I have a thirst for hers
So I sat in this place where I sat when we talked first
And wrote down this verse
We went to the same school, metaphorically
But we had different teachers,
She didn't speak
My pigeon-toed feet leaned my sneakers
But now we walk the same walk and she sees it
See, I was blessed with the strength of a single mother
But I looked up to a player
Grew up around hustlers
Was trained by a fighter
So will I end up as such
Only time will tell
Time talk too much
Gym class coach say you only fail when you give up
Whose teaching do I trust?
If my mom say seek peace
but my brothers say fight
Pressure, paradoxes, and poetry
Thats life
But the album ends with it'll be alright
Who got a light?
My Last Show
Downtown Durham, NC (Bimbe Festival 2010)
Monday, June 28, 2010
Monday, June 21, 2010
Waterfall
If she aint grinnin from ear to ear
Then she grinnin from here to here
So I figure she think i'm handsome or something
And we still both young, still tryin to find our feet
Still with wills, with an I
of steel, with an E
but still, with a I,
We, damn, both just
Wanna do the damn thing
but cant seem for a damn thing
to figure out this damn thing
happiness keeps getting pushed back for some damn thing
and our hearts get backed up like a dam
she just lookin for something concrete
but you dont want me baby
i'm just another waterfall
dont chase me
she say she
wish i could see what she see
she see this beauty in my nature...
she see me, all the time, being me
it look good, sound good
refreshing...
like runnin water
and the smile she wears when i'm arouond
paints a perfect picture
of her herbal essence showerin in this feeling i give her
strumming her pain with my finger
singin her life with the words i deliver
but i'm just another nigga shorty
fluid like water
i'll slip right through your hands baby
i'm just another waterfall, dont chase me
i may be
a breath of fresh air
i may be
a sight of beauty to your eye
but sturdy ground i'm not
you dont wanna live there
probably seem like i'm the shit but shit, i aint really shit
just different from the shit you been around
but dig this
a waterfall aint nothin but a messed up
dressed up cliff
fall for me
but dont slip
dont loose you're ground in the passion
rockin your boat like we whitewater raftin on rapids
twistin, turnin, laughin
clenchin, squeezin,
screamin: harder, faster
but i seen that sea of joy
become nothin more than gallons
upon gallons of tears
but if two of those fall in a bucket
you know my cry
fuck it
I'm so used to
familiar with
weary of this edgy lovin
we just tell each other dont look down
and jumpin off seems so fun
and if we do the un-thinkable
would that make us look crazy
baby
i'm just another waterfall
a good ass dream, thats all
dont chase me...
Then she grinnin from here to here
So I figure she think i'm handsome or something
And we still both young, still tryin to find our feet
Still with wills, with an I
of steel, with an E
but still, with a I,
We, damn, both just
Wanna do the damn thing
but cant seem for a damn thing
to figure out this damn thing
happiness keeps getting pushed back for some damn thing
and our hearts get backed up like a dam
she just lookin for something concrete
but you dont want me baby
i'm just another waterfall
dont chase me
she say she
wish i could see what she see
she see this beauty in my nature...
she see me, all the time, being me
it look good, sound good
refreshing...
like runnin water
and the smile she wears when i'm arouond
paints a perfect picture
of her herbal essence showerin in this feeling i give her
strumming her pain with my finger
singin her life with the words i deliver
but i'm just another nigga shorty
fluid like water
i'll slip right through your hands baby
i'm just another waterfall, dont chase me
i may be
a breath of fresh air
i may be
a sight of beauty to your eye
but sturdy ground i'm not
you dont wanna live there
probably seem like i'm the shit but shit, i aint really shit
just different from the shit you been around
but dig this
a waterfall aint nothin but a messed up
dressed up cliff
fall for me
but dont slip
dont loose you're ground in the passion
rockin your boat like we whitewater raftin on rapids
twistin, turnin, laughin
clenchin, squeezin,
screamin: harder, faster
but i seen that sea of joy
become nothin more than gallons
upon gallons of tears
but if two of those fall in a bucket
you know my cry
fuck it
I'm so used to
familiar with
weary of this edgy lovin
we just tell each other dont look down
and jumpin off seems so fun
and if we do the un-thinkable
would that make us look crazy
baby
i'm just another waterfall
a good ass dream, thats all
dont chase me...
Sunday, June 20, 2010
I Don't Do Well with Father's Days
I don't do well with Father's days
I never knew my own
I never really saw one up and close til I was halfway grown
i never saw mine up and close til I was fully grown
but who i feel the most for is them
its hard being a father
when youre not with the mother
and things might not be what they should
and the generation of my father
was the same age as me now when they had their daughters
and sons
my father has 1 daughter, maybe 2
and like 9 sons
I got one daughter
and sometimes i feel like i'm failing her
just her
i dont do well with father's days
and its rare anymore that i cry
its like the wells are running dry
today i think the last drops fell from my eye
my mother cooked me a breakfast for father's day and bout me a card
i swear never celebrated father's day before
never before
and as a father i feel like i could do more
buts its hard sometimes when you're poor
i hold her
and i play with her
and show her i love her
but how the situation is with her mother...
i start to understand
how my father could have became that man
i cant even blame that man
in my life i've sang the same relatable refrain
"pop, how could i blame you cause you couldn't maintain?"
look like we doing the same thang
I dont do well with fathers days
cuz i hate to see noone who wants to celebrate
so few of my people have fathers to buy a tie for
noone taught them to tie a tie before
a deacon
a coach
those are the closest things to fathers we kno
"its complicated" best describes that relationship
with most
if you got a father, hold him close
and if you can hug another you know
cuz its hard
i dont do well with fathers days at all
i should've gotten my mother a card...
I never knew my own
I never really saw one up and close til I was halfway grown
i never saw mine up and close til I was fully grown
but who i feel the most for is them
its hard being a father
when youre not with the mother
and things might not be what they should
and the generation of my father
was the same age as me now when they had their daughters
and sons
my father has 1 daughter, maybe 2
and like 9 sons
I got one daughter
and sometimes i feel like i'm failing her
just her
i dont do well with father's days
and its rare anymore that i cry
its like the wells are running dry
today i think the last drops fell from my eye
my mother cooked me a breakfast for father's day and bout me a card
i swear never celebrated father's day before
never before
and as a father i feel like i could do more
buts its hard sometimes when you're poor
i hold her
and i play with her
and show her i love her
but how the situation is with her mother...
i start to understand
how my father could have became that man
i cant even blame that man
in my life i've sang the same relatable refrain
"pop, how could i blame you cause you couldn't maintain?"
look like we doing the same thang
I dont do well with fathers days
cuz i hate to see noone who wants to celebrate
so few of my people have fathers to buy a tie for
noone taught them to tie a tie before
a deacon
a coach
those are the closest things to fathers we kno
"its complicated" best describes that relationship
with most
if you got a father, hold him close
and if you can hug another you know
cuz its hard
i dont do well with fathers days at all
i should've gotten my mother a card...
How Do I Tell Her?
Okay so, how i tell her this shit?
its like
every single thing about her is something i like
but like
i aint supposed to like her this fast
not like this
like u know its gettin deep when you keep on saying like
so like
what i'm sayin is...
like, how i tell her this shit?
i cant say i hear saxophones when i see your picture
she gonna say i'm trippin
and i aint even a sucker for love
she just different
but she all the same in a few lil ways
and the game is still the game and
everybody plays
but when the truth sound like game
and sweet turns syrupy
what can a player do but lay back?
you feel me?
how i tell her this shit?
should i just not say shit?
not say shit bout the calls she missed
that i didnt get back
she was busy, she couldn't get back
like, i aint even supposed to notice that
it aint her fault i like her like way too much
to the point i wanna fall back
cus if i was standing on a box
could i trust her
and fall back?
Cuz i would make that catch
but the player in me says
very nice jerry rice
but think twice
pride wont let me like her more
so even tho she likes me 2
it kills me to care this much
the heart is like a gun
it can be your best friend
or your downfall
and this gun sleeps with me
but this gun doesn't sleep
so i try to keep the safety on it at least
cuz if it slips...
they call it murder out in the street
but who dies her or me?
how do i even begin to tell her shit?
how do u start some shit like this off?
she's my friend but she's so much more
i would love for her to be so much more
way to go, Fat Joe, the player in me says
you dont even kno her Mr. Said
pride tells me don't call her no more
but the heart is like a gun
i pull it out
point it at that prideful player
and tell him to fall back,
bitch!
or should i not?
i shouldn't even tell her this shit
too much energy
too much work
too many disclaimers
theprecedingsoliloquoydoesnotneccesarilyrepresenttheviewsandopionsheldbythestaffandmanagementof
Nuff Said the young live player, incorporated
its just too much
too much effort to say it
to try to well-state it
cuz she'll probably take it the wrong way instead
but it feels like something needs to be said
so how i tell her this shit
i should type it up,
print it out and mail her this shit
or publish it in a book and sell her this shit
because being on stage in front of thousands of people is one thing
but being face to face with that person that makes you bite your lip...
"she's got whatever it is
it blows me away
she's everything i wanna say to a woman but i couldn't find the words to say"
but when she around i play it off slick
i'll never tell her this shit
-Italicized quotation at the end comes from "Whatever It Is"- country
song by: Zac Brown Band
its like
every single thing about her is something i like
but like
i aint supposed to like her this fast
not like this
like u know its gettin deep when you keep on saying like
so like
what i'm sayin is...
like, how i tell her this shit?
i cant say i hear saxophones when i see your picture
she gonna say i'm trippin
and i aint even a sucker for love
she just different
but she all the same in a few lil ways
and the game is still the game and
everybody plays
but when the truth sound like game
and sweet turns syrupy
what can a player do but lay back?
you feel me?
how i tell her this shit?
should i just not say shit?
not say shit bout the calls she missed
that i didnt get back
she was busy, she couldn't get back
like, i aint even supposed to notice that
it aint her fault i like her like way too much
to the point i wanna fall back
cus if i was standing on a box
could i trust her
and fall back?
Cuz i would make that catch
but the player in me says
very nice jerry rice
but think twice
pride wont let me like her more
so even tho she likes me 2
it kills me to care this much
the heart is like a gun
it can be your best friend
or your downfall
and this gun sleeps with me
but this gun doesn't sleep
so i try to keep the safety on it at least
cuz if it slips...
they call it murder out in the street
but who dies her or me?
how do i even begin to tell her shit?
how do u start some shit like this off?
she's my friend but she's so much more
i would love for her to be so much more
way to go, Fat Joe, the player in me says
you dont even kno her Mr. Said
pride tells me don't call her no more
but the heart is like a gun
i pull it out
point it at that prideful player
and tell him to fall back,
bitch!
or should i not?
i shouldn't even tell her this shit
too much energy
too much work
too many disclaimers
theprecedingsoliloquoydoesnotneccesarilyrepresenttheviewsandopionsheldbythestaffandmanagementof
Nuff Said the young live player, incorporated
its just too much
too much effort to say it
to try to well-state it
cuz she'll probably take it the wrong way instead
but it feels like something needs to be said
so how i tell her this shit
i should type it up,
print it out and mail her this shit
or publish it in a book and sell her this shit
because being on stage in front of thousands of people is one thing
but being face to face with that person that makes you bite your lip...
"she's got whatever it is
it blows me away
she's everything i wanna say to a woman but i couldn't find the words to say"
but when she around i play it off slick
i'll never tell her this shit
-Italicized quotation at the end comes from "Whatever It Is"- country
song by: Zac Brown Band
This Bleeding Heart of Mine
I must have died 100 times
With this bleeding heart of mine
I write between the lines
The box never crosses my mind
I've split the atom 100 times
I think in sync with the bottom line
But beloved, let me tell you, this heart...
It bleeds
And it bleeds
For everything
It bleeds for single mothers
lacking choices
facing faceless choices
how are they supposed to know what to do?
I feel good when I see LeBron
Product of a single mom
Making her proud
Cuz i'm tired of bringing greif to mine
It bleeds for dope-boys
laced up their boots at a young age
and got tied up in the street
it bleeds for niggers,
not too long ago tied up in the street
tied up to a tree
that matters to me
that could have been me
this bleeding heart of mine
bleeds for teachers
growing up students year after year
that will one day go through
all of the above
they have to learn not to fall in love
that has to be tough
this bleeding heart of mine bleeds for
Israel
Imagine suicide bombers
in the neighborhood where your kids play
at the market where you'll shop today
Imagine the imapct of the death
the breath never shared with those who are left
imagine if your big brother was Hamas
this bleeding heart of mine even bleeds for the junkies
the js
the crackheads
the bums
vagrants, transients
so many words with a sour fragrance
all to describe one thing
another human being
would you smoke a cigarette from behind a junkie's ear?
what if you were a junkie?
the bleeding heart of mine bleeds for smokers
taking that embarassing walk outside
with pride
on the outside
just to enjoy what they enjoy
it bleeds for babies
i cant imagine not being able to talk
not being able to understand what people are sayin
what language would i think in?
my heart bleeds to Freeway's "Alright"
Darius Rucker "Alright"
Zac Brown Band "Chicken Fried"
Lauryn Hill "To Zion"
i told u, this bleeding heart of mine bleeds for everything
it bleeds for everybody
everybody but the police
and i'm out
With this bleeding heart of mine
I write between the lines
The box never crosses my mind
I've split the atom 100 times
I think in sync with the bottom line
But beloved, let me tell you, this heart...
It bleeds
And it bleeds
For everything
It bleeds for single mothers
lacking choices
facing faceless choices
how are they supposed to know what to do?
I feel good when I see LeBron
Product of a single mom
Making her proud
Cuz i'm tired of bringing greif to mine
It bleeds for dope-boys
laced up their boots at a young age
and got tied up in the street
it bleeds for niggers,
not too long ago tied up in the street
tied up to a tree
that matters to me
that could have been me
this bleeding heart of mine
bleeds for teachers
growing up students year after year
that will one day go through
all of the above
they have to learn not to fall in love
that has to be tough
this bleeding heart of mine bleeds for
Israel
Imagine suicide bombers
in the neighborhood where your kids play
at the market where you'll shop today
Imagine the imapct of the death
the breath never shared with those who are left
imagine if your big brother was Hamas
this bleeding heart of mine even bleeds for the junkies
the js
the crackheads
the bums
vagrants, transients
so many words with a sour fragrance
all to describe one thing
another human being
would you smoke a cigarette from behind a junkie's ear?
what if you were a junkie?
the bleeding heart of mine bleeds for smokers
taking that embarassing walk outside
with pride
on the outside
just to enjoy what they enjoy
it bleeds for babies
i cant imagine not being able to talk
not being able to understand what people are sayin
what language would i think in?
my heart bleeds to Freeway's "Alright"
Darius Rucker "Alright"
Zac Brown Band "Chicken Fried"
Lauryn Hill "To Zion"
i told u, this bleeding heart of mine bleeds for everything
it bleeds for everybody
everybody but the police
and i'm out
Saturday, June 19, 2010
Lost in the Woods
Clouds of smoke...
A smell we all know
All too well
We inhale, and cough till we choke
Then the top of each Newport brings hope
But
each butt tells me i'm the butt of the joke
I cant esacpe this way
Being stuck in the hood is like being lost in the woods
I tried escaping every way I could
The bloody snare locks just above my own jagged teeth marks
Noone was around to hear that tree fall down
So how
In the world can they hear me scream now?
There are many others just like me
That look just like me
This army of thirsty horses
They tell us we were led to water years ago
So...
We had a different thirst at the time
Now i cant seem to find
That same pond
That was in front my face the whole time
Just this bitter river someone told me to cry
Being stuck in the hood is like being lost in the woods
"How do you get from here to the rest of the world?"
Asked a young lost soul
Wondering and wandering between each roll
2 or 3 words between licks
2 or 3 flicks of a bic
and its lit
And sadly this is pretty much it
The closest thing to freedom we have
We can pretend we're so fast
that we can run and get away from the past
And The green shade from the clouds of smoke overcast
Tints our sight with envy of those who have
Lost in these trees
We hope somebody will throw us a limb to grab
We gotta reach for something better
We cant stay this way forever
But being stuck in the hood is like being lost in the woods
Success seems like a fable... but, whatever,
Birds of a feather they tag us as because we flock together
We dont cry wolf, we only leap after we look
We move slow but steady, but we cant get it right
Cuz we do bad like we never learned that like will draw like
or like we never read the Wolf and the Crane
but the moral hasn't changed
"In serving the wicked, expect no reward, and be thankful if you escape injury for your pains."
thats too long maine
pass me the flame
and i'm high again
we fly like paper get high like planes
i took that paper and wrote whats pokin at my brain
and I fold it into a paper planes
and throw it, just hopin it lands in the right hands
too much to blame on the white man
or life being
a bitch because its death we courtin
as we shorten
our own life spans
I came from the land of high stakes
chinese wings, cheesesteaks and bikes with no brakes
so how do we break this cycle
Being stuck in the hood is like being lost in the woods
So we just roll up the woods
and go as high as these trees will take us
and wait to tumble off
in my mind a hundred thoughts doing summersaults
and either i'm gettin hard or the ground is becomin soft
but either way, falling,
rather failing,
is nothing to get used to
Try try again
and try try again
Our cries drowned out by a sarcastic violin
while the world dances to our song
to the freak shows to see us they throng
hood niggaz,
jungle people
We wasn't raised by wolves, we just been lost so long
trapped in a snare we didn't even see there
Being stuck in the hood is like being lost in the woods
An SOS from the misunderstood...
A smell we all know
All too well
We inhale, and cough till we choke
Then the top of each Newport brings hope
But
each butt tells me i'm the butt of the joke
I cant esacpe this way
Being stuck in the hood is like being lost in the woods
I tried escaping every way I could
The bloody snare locks just above my own jagged teeth marks
Noone was around to hear that tree fall down
So how
In the world can they hear me scream now?
There are many others just like me
That look just like me
This army of thirsty horses
They tell us we were led to water years ago
So...
We had a different thirst at the time
Now i cant seem to find
That same pond
That was in front my face the whole time
Just this bitter river someone told me to cry
Being stuck in the hood is like being lost in the woods
"How do you get from here to the rest of the world?"
Asked a young lost soul
Wondering and wandering between each roll
2 or 3 words between licks
2 or 3 flicks of a bic
and its lit
And sadly this is pretty much it
The closest thing to freedom we have
We can pretend we're so fast
that we can run and get away from the past
And The green shade from the clouds of smoke overcast
Tints our sight with envy of those who have
Lost in these trees
We hope somebody will throw us a limb to grab
We gotta reach for something better
We cant stay this way forever
But being stuck in the hood is like being lost in the woods
Success seems like a fable... but, whatever,
Birds of a feather they tag us as because we flock together
We dont cry wolf, we only leap after we look
We move slow but steady, but we cant get it right
Cuz we do bad like we never learned that like will draw like
or like we never read the Wolf and the Crane
but the moral hasn't changed
"In serving the wicked, expect no reward, and be thankful if you escape injury for your pains."
thats too long maine
pass me the flame
and i'm high again
we fly like paper get high like planes
i took that paper and wrote whats pokin at my brain
and I fold it into a paper planes
and throw it, just hopin it lands in the right hands
too much to blame on the white man
or life being
a bitch because its death we courtin
as we shorten
our own life spans
I came from the land of high stakes
chinese wings, cheesesteaks and bikes with no brakes
so how do we break this cycle
Being stuck in the hood is like being lost in the woods
So we just roll up the woods
and go as high as these trees will take us
and wait to tumble off
in my mind a hundred thoughts doing summersaults
and either i'm gettin hard or the ground is becomin soft
but either way, falling,
rather failing,
is nothing to get used to
Try try again
and try try again
Our cries drowned out by a sarcastic violin
while the world dances to our song
to the freak shows to see us they throng
hood niggaz,
jungle people
We wasn't raised by wolves, we just been lost so long
trapped in a snare we didn't even see there
Being stuck in the hood is like being lost in the woods
An SOS from the misunderstood...
Stream of Consciousness #8
So its been like 2 weeks...
Sorry. I been goin thru it. Be like that sometimes tho. Dont kno who is reading, or if anyone is, but i pass out flyers with this blog on it all day so maybe one of you who have taken the time to support a young brother trying to make it happen will take the time to get to know me as well. To take the time to get to kno another human being is rewarding. Let me catch my avid readers up. Hmmmm. Went to Atlanta and a million things went wrong. But i got to go to Throwbacks and thats like the new Peacock (the Royal Peacock in Atlanta is the greatest thing to ever call itself an open mic) so that was great. I love the energy there and the time they take out to actually teach and develop the artists that frequent that stage. It was always love there. There are a few real niggaz who have been steadily going there for years. Anyway, aside from Atlanta, I got to spend some time with my daughter. Me and my baby's mother have been having problems out the ying-yang. Tommorrow is my first father's day being free. I dont kno how to feel. Other than that, hmmmm. Still waiting to put this book out, but i'm trying to learn the game. I'm really right there tho so i'ma just go ahead and make it happen. I gotta meet with my editor Thursday. Me and Sunshine were kicking it the long way but she haven't really been calling me since she been up Newark and I aint mad but I'm not getting what I need out of that situation so i'm looking elsewhere at this point. On the low, its crazy, but, i think i love that girl. Because i'm not infatuated and certainly not in love with her but there is a serious soft spot in my heart for her, like I love her soul. I would never tell her that but I think i'm gonna write something later tonight about it. Straight into this blog!
But before that, i'm going to copy and paste something I wrote yesterday. Its called "Lost in the Woods." Its a must read for all my people that came from the ghetto like I did. I love yall. Enjoy.
Sorry. I been goin thru it. Be like that sometimes tho. Dont kno who is reading, or if anyone is, but i pass out flyers with this blog on it all day so maybe one of you who have taken the time to support a young brother trying to make it happen will take the time to get to know me as well. To take the time to get to kno another human being is rewarding. Let me catch my avid readers up. Hmmmm. Went to Atlanta and a million things went wrong. But i got to go to Throwbacks and thats like the new Peacock (the Royal Peacock in Atlanta is the greatest thing to ever call itself an open mic) so that was great. I love the energy there and the time they take out to actually teach and develop the artists that frequent that stage. It was always love there. There are a few real niggaz who have been steadily going there for years. Anyway, aside from Atlanta, I got to spend some time with my daughter. Me and my baby's mother have been having problems out the ying-yang. Tommorrow is my first father's day being free. I dont kno how to feel. Other than that, hmmmm. Still waiting to put this book out, but i'm trying to learn the game. I'm really right there tho so i'ma just go ahead and make it happen. I gotta meet with my editor Thursday. Me and Sunshine were kicking it the long way but she haven't really been calling me since she been up Newark and I aint mad but I'm not getting what I need out of that situation so i'm looking elsewhere at this point. On the low, its crazy, but, i think i love that girl. Because i'm not infatuated and certainly not in love with her but there is a serious soft spot in my heart for her, like I love her soul. I would never tell her that but I think i'm gonna write something later tonight about it. Straight into this blog!
But before that, i'm going to copy and paste something I wrote yesterday. Its called "Lost in the Woods." Its a must read for all my people that came from the ghetto like I did. I love yall. Enjoy.
Thursday, June 3, 2010
Heart of A Tiger
Cousin Terry
First thing I remember about that day
Walking back from the projects, ready to play
I guess it was a hot summer day
I'm not sure what time of year
or even certain of what year
I never choose to ask
Never try to work out the math
but we was outside all day so it must've been summer
Bathroom
Number 2
Wash and rinse
Hands dryed on my shirt
Next, i see images of the same
livin room where the christmas tree used to hang like it felt right at home
Where did Terry go?
...the front do'
Grandma always said play starts and stops at the front do'
but what lied on the other side of that front do'
I wish i couldn't see no mo'
What is he doing?
What is he hittin?
He not playin
I hear my aunt let out this sound
A yell,
a wail,
a whale of a wail
I saw my Aunt swing a broom with all the power she could muster
Him,
Her brother...
Grabbing it, Breaking it, throwing it
Right back to hurting her
Oh my God he's hurting her
Grandma...
Come!
Run!
911
Run back, front yard
Her own son
Him
Sittin there
like nothing just happened
I was seven years old
if that
And when i look back
I see a bloody hammer
I dont know when it was used
I dont know how it was used
I didn't even look at her
Looking back, I probably couldn't even look at her
Or maybe I saw
And its tucked away in some vault
All i remember is that feeling that we couldn't get him off
Her own son
Beside the same bush we used pluck honeysuckles off
She layed there,
right under the rose bush
I remember her flowers
Her big rock by the driveway
And how she would work on her yard for hours
Devotement
How she would let me help
Involvement
This time i couldn't help her out in that garden
They're taking him to jail
Grandma's on an ambulance
All I can picture is the back of that ambulance
Then the back of the hospital
Its dark
I hear my mom billow i hate him, i hate him, i hate him, i hate him, i hate him
Mommy always taught me never to hate
Grandma's on a helicopter flying to Duke
We're in a car i can't recall, flying to Duke
I never thought Grandma would die
and she didn't, I remember her most for fighting to stay alive
Horizon
Medicine balls, mirrored walls, matted seats, maybe blue
everything in that room seems blue
not a sad blue
just blue
A blue Horizon
but thats where Grandma got her strength back
They say the second she woke up, she asked for me
could it be because she knew i was there?
I cryed writing that right there
I hear Grandma's cane
tipping down that same hall
where i dried my hands on my shirt
"Gramma's slow baby" but she made it work
Thats where we get our toughness from
The heart of a tiger
First thing I remember about that day
Walking back from the projects, ready to play
I guess it was a hot summer day
I'm not sure what time of year
or even certain of what year
I never choose to ask
Never try to work out the math
but we was outside all day so it must've been summer
Bathroom
Number 2
Wash and rinse
Hands dryed on my shirt
Next, i see images of the same
livin room where the christmas tree used to hang like it felt right at home
Where did Terry go?
...the front do'
Grandma always said play starts and stops at the front do'
but what lied on the other side of that front do'
I wish i couldn't see no mo'
What is he doing?
What is he hittin?
He not playin
I hear my aunt let out this sound
A yell,
a wail,
a whale of a wail
I saw my Aunt swing a broom with all the power she could muster
Him,
Her brother...
Grabbing it, Breaking it, throwing it
Right back to hurting her
Oh my God he's hurting her
Grandma...
Come!
Run!
911
Run back, front yard
Her own son
Him
Sittin there
like nothing just happened
I was seven years old
if that
And when i look back
I see a bloody hammer
I dont know when it was used
I dont know how it was used
I didn't even look at her
Looking back, I probably couldn't even look at her
Or maybe I saw
And its tucked away in some vault
All i remember is that feeling that we couldn't get him off
Her own son
Beside the same bush we used pluck honeysuckles off
She layed there,
right under the rose bush
I remember her flowers
Her big rock by the driveway
And how she would work on her yard for hours
Devotement
How she would let me help
Involvement
This time i couldn't help her out in that garden
They're taking him to jail
Grandma's on an ambulance
All I can picture is the back of that ambulance
Then the back of the hospital
Its dark
I hear my mom billow i hate him, i hate him, i hate him, i hate him, i hate him
Mommy always taught me never to hate
Grandma's on a helicopter flying to Duke
We're in a car i can't recall, flying to Duke
I never thought Grandma would die
and she didn't, I remember her most for fighting to stay alive
Horizon
Medicine balls, mirrored walls, matted seats, maybe blue
everything in that room seems blue
not a sad blue
just blue
A blue Horizon
but thats where Grandma got her strength back
They say the second she woke up, she asked for me
could it be because she knew i was there?
I cryed writing that right there
I hear Grandma's cane
tipping down that same hall
where i dried my hands on my shirt
"Gramma's slow baby" but she made it work
Thats where we get our toughness from
The heart of a tiger
Stream of Conscious #7
Hopefully this one wont be long. I'm ready to write this next piece i'm about to write after I finish writing this blog entry. (mouthful, excessive, i know) Anyway the piece is actually hopefully gonna be a way to cleanse myself of some of the trauma from my past. The story that it will depict will be a story from my childhood. My grandmother, Lois Florence (she hated her middle name) Bell Watson was attacked by her youngest son and beat into a coma in 1995. I saw the whole thing. You'll hear what happened in the poem. Detail for detail as I can recall it... Strap up, this ride my get rocky.
Riding High
I done
Been in the mountains
Been in the trees
I done
Been on the beach
Feeling the breeze
I done
Been on 22s
Been on 23s
Sittin high, watching DVDs, gettin high
But I wasn't smiling this hard even then
I swear I'm stuck with this grin right now
I'm Riding High
I can see the skin on my cheek out of the corner of my eye
I Keep biting my bottom lip
like i'm shy
Pretty smile, huh?
Thats what she told me
I dont wanna name names so I'ma call you Sunshine
Shorty beams yo, I'm telling you, like Sunshine
And when this sister smiles...
Special shout out and a red rose for Sunshine
Whole day was rainy til I got with Sunshine
The night I watched my dreamgirl inch closer and closer...
Another smile,
I still smell your cocoa butter
While Lauryn Hill narrates Sweetest Thing i've ever known
Kissing you on your collar bone would rhyme
But I just sloooowly trace the tatoos on your back with one fingertip
Gently
The soft caress of happiness
;)
...the night I watched my dreamgirl inch closer and closer...
So why are you my dreamgirl?
...
I go for pretty
All men go for pretty
But I dont prefer that classic, celebrity pretty
I go for special pretty
Aint but one Sunshine walking 'round the city
Aint no room for any more than one
Thats like more than one sun
But more than special she so natural
And the inside and outside coincide so purely
Natural beauty...
I could sit back and watch you being yourself
...but enough about you
Back to the night I watched my dreamgirl inch closer and closer...
Another smile
A poetic Saw three in the background
Squeezing your waist with my hands
and we kinda just met for real but its cool
and its alot of people in here
and her people's in here
and they lookin
buts its cool
because a couple of times...
for a couple moments in time...
it was just me
and you
And you was smilin that hard too
The night I watched my dreamgirl inch closer and closer...
Another smile
And i'm even blushing now
and that best descibes my night with Sunshine
I'm Riding High
Been in the mountains
Been in the trees
I done
Been on the beach
Feeling the breeze
I done
Been on 22s
Been on 23s
Sittin high, watching DVDs, gettin high
But I wasn't smiling this hard even then
I swear I'm stuck with this grin right now
I'm Riding High
I can see the skin on my cheek out of the corner of my eye
I Keep biting my bottom lip
like i'm shy
Pretty smile, huh?
Thats what she told me
I dont wanna name names so I'ma call you Sunshine
Shorty beams yo, I'm telling you, like Sunshine
And when this sister smiles...
Special shout out and a red rose for Sunshine
Whole day was rainy til I got with Sunshine
The night I watched my dreamgirl inch closer and closer...
Another smile,
I still smell your cocoa butter
While Lauryn Hill narrates Sweetest Thing i've ever known
Kissing you on your collar bone would rhyme
But I just sloooowly trace the tatoos on your back with one fingertip
Gently
The soft caress of happiness
;)
...the night I watched my dreamgirl inch closer and closer...
So why are you my dreamgirl?
...
I go for pretty
All men go for pretty
But I dont prefer that classic, celebrity pretty
I go for special pretty
Aint but one Sunshine walking 'round the city
Aint no room for any more than one
Thats like more than one sun
But more than special she so natural
And the inside and outside coincide so purely
Natural beauty...
I could sit back and watch you being yourself
...but enough about you
Back to the night I watched my dreamgirl inch closer and closer...
Another smile
A poetic Saw three in the background
Squeezing your waist with my hands
and we kinda just met for real but its cool
and its alot of people in here
and her people's in here
and they lookin
buts its cool
because a couple of times...
for a couple moments in time...
it was just me
and you
And you was smilin that hard too
The night I watched my dreamgirl inch closer and closer...
Another smile
And i'm even blushing now
and that best descibes my night with Sunshine
I'm Riding High
Stream of Consciousness #6
Ok so... no intro today, its almost 2 o'clock in the morning. I just got in 4 real. Long day. Good news. More than one thing actually. First off, I'm about to type another poem directly into this blog which I really like to do because it just seems fitting. Normally I dont sit down and write on a computer so I feel good when I write one straight into the blog because it feels like I'm using it. Anyway, secondly, probably lastly... drum roll please.... sike nah, me and Sunshine went out. (the person mentioned in my last few posts that is my dreamgirl will heretofor be refered to as Sunshine) So, like Jesus said "Whoever reads, let him understand." Anyway, the date was perfect. At first, I aint think she was gonna come. When I seen her, at first I was bugging because she brought her cousin with her. Then she sat at the bar, when I already had a table. Then she wasn't paying me any attention at the beginning. So...I commanded some. I think she wanted me to anyway. So, I talk to the dude that hosts the event and I was like look, introduce me as Nuff Said man (he knows me by my real name, Naijeer) because I need to get in the habit of branding myself; and can you do me a favor... He was like what, I was like, can you give a special lil shout out to ******, the chick who I'm up here with, and told him how I liked her for a long time and she was finally out with me and I wanted it to go well. OH YEA, rewind ........... .......... ........ I gave her a flower. WORD. I never give females flowers. I wanted to make her feel special, that seemed like the sweetest/coolest way to do it. Okay, fast forward back to talkin to the dude. So he hears that and he's like cool. He gets to talking about how they need to start earlier but he be trying to wait for ppl to get there but they get there late because it always starts late. lol. Anyway he says he wants to start now so can I do a poem now and do another one later when more ppl are there. I say cool. So he still doesn't start for like 20 more minutes and he always does a prayer to start it off. And i'm with that. All day. But he does this excrutiating disclaimer where he says this prayer is to the most high, whoever that may be to you. Doesn't sound so bad right. He takes the time to name them all. Every one he can think of and I think he be making some of them up, yo. For real. Anyway it takes forever. My grammar is terrible by the way. I think I overuse punctuation and then to counter that, I underuse it. And I tend to drift but i do that on purpose. Just for you. lol. jk. But i do that to make it pure. Just a stream of consciousness. I think this is an art of itself. It could be studied. You can learn alot about a person if you listen to them just talk. I mean just talk though. Wherever their (i had to think about which there (there/their/they're)(lol, there/their/they're, dont cry. lol) to use) Just start this sentence over. Wherever their thoughts take them to, they just say it out loud. U could learn a whole lot about a person like that. Not even just in what they say, more in what they choose to say, what they choose not to say, what they seem to be lying about or exaggerating on, how often they stop, their body language. Their is alot to be learned about me through this, I suppose then.
New paragraph man, i was rambling.
Back to the story.
I get Sunshine to talk to me and we're enjoying ourselves. I got the dj to play some Lauryn Hill. ;) Then we started talking about Lauryn vs. Erikah Badu which... come on... Anyway, he calls me to the mic for the first joint. I do my "whatup" intro which I dont know if i've broken that down in this blog but dont matter anyway, COME TO THE SHOW. I'ma start posting them up here. Videos coming soon too. (end shameless plug now)lol(stole that from my brother, who I only just met about a month or 2 ago.) Anyway, i do my "whatup" intro and go into the poem, which was 'I am a Poet'(i aint feel like pressing shift)(but i press it for the parentheses: SSA BACKWARDS). Anyway, I am a poet was the poem and it went over pretty good but I didn't CRUSH em like I wanted to (Sunshine's here, come on) There is a dude who looks just like Katt Williams up there. He trys to act like him though and thats kinda lame. But i fuck with him overall, i dont judge him. He has one very long dread way way way longer than the rest of his dreads; so he has to be an intersting person, yo, come on. Sunshine couldn't get over the dread. Anyway, he gave me mad props and thats cool. He said "people dont like to hear the truth" and thats real. Then he said he show them the proof and i was like I like this joint already. lol. Anyway, he was one of the acts, and an actual comedian that was actually funny as hell (i got his number, i networks ;) da long way. lol) Anyway as all these ppl are performing, Sunshine is getting closer and closer and smiling more and more and I can smell her cocoa butter. She close when u can smell the lotion. Word up. Anyway, we just playin it real close and I got my hands around her waist and its like we been known each other (lil colloquialism for you). And we have been known each other. We just aint know this was there. I aint even kno till a lil while ago. I'm gettin tired. Long story short, lol, My second joint was "A Sigh" and it gets the real quotation marks because they LOVED it. I loved it. Sunshine loved it, her cousin loved it, her coworker loved it. It was all love. And so best described my night with sunshine. 100
ps. I saw my Aunt Licia up there who I hadn't seen in years and that was all love too...even though she didn't even recognize me at first.
okay peace out for real now.
And Jacque I had to go back and edit this post like 3 times to because I kept forgetting to type Sunshine instead of Jacque. LOL. U probably wont even read this, Jacque. If you are though :P
New paragraph man, i was rambling.
Back to the story.
I get Sunshine to talk to me and we're enjoying ourselves. I got the dj to play some Lauryn Hill. ;) Then we started talking about Lauryn vs. Erikah Badu which... come on... Anyway, he calls me to the mic for the first joint. I do my "whatup" intro which I dont know if i've broken that down in this blog but dont matter anyway, COME TO THE SHOW. I'ma start posting them up here. Videos coming soon too. (end shameless plug now)lol(stole that from my brother, who I only just met about a month or 2 ago.) Anyway, i do my "whatup" intro and go into the poem, which was 'I am a Poet'(i aint feel like pressing shift)(but i press it for the parentheses: SSA BACKWARDS). Anyway, I am a poet was the poem and it went over pretty good but I didn't CRUSH em like I wanted to (Sunshine's here, come on) There is a dude who looks just like Katt Williams up there. He trys to act like him though and thats kinda lame. But i fuck with him overall, i dont judge him. He has one very long dread way way way longer than the rest of his dreads; so he has to be an intersting person, yo, come on. Sunshine couldn't get over the dread. Anyway, he gave me mad props and thats cool. He said "people dont like to hear the truth" and thats real. Then he said he show them the proof and i was like I like this joint already. lol. Anyway, he was one of the acts, and an actual comedian that was actually funny as hell (i got his number, i networks ;) da long way. lol) Anyway as all these ppl are performing, Sunshine is getting closer and closer and smiling more and more and I can smell her cocoa butter. She close when u can smell the lotion. Word up. Anyway, we just playin it real close and I got my hands around her waist and its like we been known each other (lil colloquialism for you). And we have been known each other. We just aint know this was there. I aint even kno till a lil while ago. I'm gettin tired. Long story short, lol, My second joint was "A Sigh" and it gets the real quotation marks because they LOVED it. I loved it. Sunshine loved it, her cousin loved it, her coworker loved it. It was all love. And so best described my night with sunshine. 100
ps. I saw my Aunt Licia up there who I hadn't seen in years and that was all love too...even though she didn't even recognize me at first.
okay peace out for real now.
And Jacque I had to go back and edit this post like 3 times to because I kept forgetting to type Sunshine instead of Jacque. LOL. U probably wont even read this, Jacque. If you are though :P
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
Stream of Consciousness #5
Number 5. Like Chanel, huh? lol When i'm on Stream of Consciousness #236 this is gonna seem like a long ass time ago.
Today's theme: In life, there are no retractions, no do overs, you put it out there its out there. I say that because the girl I was talking about in my last post gave me her number...finally. Actually like right after I wrote that. Now I kinda dont want her to see it but w/e. It'll be okay. Aint no do-overs. And thats how it should be. I'm planning on doing alot of writing in the next few days so I hope you all will enjoy that. All 4 of you. lol. I'm gettin yall some company everyday though. Started out as zero. Word.
Taking life by the horns is a scary thing. Matadors get HURT out there messing around. But honestly i dont think its failure that im really afraid of. I think i'm really afraid of success. Like losing all my friends, like ppl saying I think i'm all that now. I know "the top feels better than the bottom, so much better" (50 Cent) But its lonely up there and lonely is one feeling i cannot stand.
Even with money. In the past, there was never a time when i can say i was about my money. I done got money, had money, kept money; but I was never about it. I'm kinda getting to the point where I wanna be because I'm seeing so many things fall apart, relationships, situations, oppurtunities. The one truth I am sure of about our world today is that money can give you stability and freedom and they are a hell of a pair. "When your pockets are past filled/ nigga, ass feel better, food taste better WAY BETTER, thats real/" (Me, when i used to rap, lol) But I dont want to become a slave to money. I'm scared I will. In so many ways, I see myself becoming my older cousin. He is a pretty successful drug-dealer and he taught me alot but I began to look down on him for his money-grubbin ways. We parted ways last year but as I continue to grow up, I see why he is who he is. He just saw those walls closing in a few years before I did. When you see the "walls closing in you" thats when relationships are crumbling, your support system is wavering, you're not alone without a prayer, but you feel like you're getting there and when you get like that...money seems like such a solution.
God, if you read my blog, please keep me safe from loving money. I believe YOU are gonna make me rich, I believe you are gonna keep me rich and bless me to be able to bless others. And I will. But I dont want to love money more than people. Give me a reason not to.
"Having money is not everything, not having it is." (Kanye West)
But once you walk down head-first down that money trail, its a big risk and a big question mark on whether or not you can come back to your old self. There are no do-overs in life. I feel if I work hard now and stay down, I will make a difference in alot of lives I want to. And I wanna get paid for it! lol
PUT ME IN COACH
I WANNA BALL!
Today's theme: In life, there are no retractions, no do overs, you put it out there its out there. I say that because the girl I was talking about in my last post gave me her number...finally. Actually like right after I wrote that. Now I kinda dont want her to see it but w/e. It'll be okay. Aint no do-overs. And thats how it should be. I'm planning on doing alot of writing in the next few days so I hope you all will enjoy that. All 4 of you. lol. I'm gettin yall some company everyday though. Started out as zero. Word.
Taking life by the horns is a scary thing. Matadors get HURT out there messing around. But honestly i dont think its failure that im really afraid of. I think i'm really afraid of success. Like losing all my friends, like ppl saying I think i'm all that now. I know "the top feels better than the bottom, so much better" (50 Cent) But its lonely up there and lonely is one feeling i cannot stand.
Even with money. In the past, there was never a time when i can say i was about my money. I done got money, had money, kept money; but I was never about it. I'm kinda getting to the point where I wanna be because I'm seeing so many things fall apart, relationships, situations, oppurtunities. The one truth I am sure of about our world today is that money can give you stability and freedom and they are a hell of a pair. "When your pockets are past filled/ nigga, ass feel better, food taste better WAY BETTER, thats real/" (Me, when i used to rap, lol) But I dont want to become a slave to money. I'm scared I will. In so many ways, I see myself becoming my older cousin. He is a pretty successful drug-dealer and he taught me alot but I began to look down on him for his money-grubbin ways. We parted ways last year but as I continue to grow up, I see why he is who he is. He just saw those walls closing in a few years before I did. When you see the "walls closing in you" thats when relationships are crumbling, your support system is wavering, you're not alone without a prayer, but you feel like you're getting there and when you get like that...money seems like such a solution.
God, if you read my blog, please keep me safe from loving money. I believe YOU are gonna make me rich, I believe you are gonna keep me rich and bless me to be able to bless others. And I will. But I dont want to love money more than people. Give me a reason not to.
"Having money is not everything, not having it is." (Kanye West)
But once you walk down head-first down that money trail, its a big risk and a big question mark on whether or not you can come back to your old self. There are no do-overs in life. I feel if I work hard now and stay down, I will make a difference in alot of lives I want to. And I wanna get paid for it! lol
PUT ME IN COACH
I WANNA BALL!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)