I Gotta Write Something

I gotta write something

I feel crazy

I feel lazy

Feel ill-got no will

Feel like I’m in a car, I got the wheel

But got no wheels

Better still like I’m on a treadmill

Running, running, well…jogging

For nothing, standing still

I gotta write something

I’m a man, I guess that’s saying a lot

Strong-I can be

Perfect- I’m not

Stubborn to a fault

Dual exhaust, blowing a lot of smoke

Smoking a lot,

blowing it moaning I’m tired of lies

tired of playing it off

tired of playing

tired of feeling like already lost, tired of snapping

tired of passing blame, handing responsibility off.

Tired of running from shame

Because in the end I know this is NOT a game.

I gotta write something

My mind doesn’t tick to the same time

My gears don’t grind the same

Tired of pain holding me stuck

Like a photo

Frozen in my old mind frame

Staring…with a mourner’s tears in my eyes like I died on the inside,

Buried my head in shame.

I’m a man, that’s saying a lot

That’s saying I’m not as perfect as I’d like to think,

As strong as I would like to be

I gotta write something

Is the world so cold I’ve frozen?

Tell Sister Souljah there’s a new record

This is now the coldest winter ever.

The whole world on your shoulders gets heavier and heavier

But tony Montana said its mine and since then I been trying to carry it

A monkey on your back gets heavier and heavier

It don’t need your help

It feeds itself

It spreads its arms. It wants to choke me to sleep

I gotta write something

I don’t mean to sound depressing

I found a blessing in expressing my self-conscious sub-conscience

Even my conscience, my fears

A laureate of life’s lessons

Searching for light in a murky tunnel dripping with tears

I navigate the caverns and caves of gray matter

And gray seems so accurate some days

I elaborate that on a page then narrate that on a stage

That’s why I gotta write something

When the sky looks gray or when it’s beautiful blue

Through and through to be true I’m still not okay

Everybody’s got those days

I guess this is one of mine.

So instead of losing my mind I find the time

The words

The drive

The guts

To write something